Charlotte family photographer
For you, and many moms, oftentimes the one thing you feel like you have to do is…
**Everything!**
Not only do you feel like you have to do EVERYTHING, you also have to do it all well while you’re looking great and your house that you DIY’d looks like it could be in a design magazine and you’re creating beautiful pinterest worthy parties and also having a super successful business that looks amazing to everyone and…
The list goes on.
I hear you! I’ve been the mom in the kitchen doing the dishes thinking about how I need to get the laundry started and get client photos done and do that marketing idea. At the same time I would make another mental note: _I need to call the doctor and set up those appointments_ and my mind would make mental list after mental list while I rinsed dishes or sat at my computer.
How I’m living in those kind of moments
What I’ve found in those moments is that I’m living off a checklist. I’m ticking things off but I’m not really living.
At times like those I feel sometimes like a bit of a martyr and almost always the list is accompanied by guilt. The guilt that I’m not getting to spend more time with my kids or that I have clients waiting.
Many years ago I figured out that living like that wasn’t really living. I knew that I wanted to enjoy my days more, get the work done that I needed and wanted to get done, spend time with my family, and have fun.
Mom Guilt origins
Here’s the thing…mom guilt is new. Moms didn’t feel guilty about all of the things they weren’t doing 50 years ago. Or 70 years ago. Or 100 years ago.
Did you hear that? Mom guilt is new. It’s something we started buying into and we are now holding onto.
Moms have worked for always…it started on the farm where she made money by trading sugar for eggs, pies for dress fabric, etc.
It’s not something we are supposed to feel guilt over. Working to help our families has always been a way of life for women.
The reason I’m telling you this is because when I realized that mom guilt is a new thing and that moms have always worked it made me breathe a sigh of relief. It actually felt freeing. I’d like for you to feel free of that guilt, too. I hope it helps you.
The purpose of the task
Years ago I realized there was one little piece of key information that went missing along the way at some point. The little piece of the equation is that women used to see their work and tasks as a way to strengthen the relationships with their family. They knew that the purpose of the task was to strengthen the relationship.
Instead of doing all of their tasks alone, the whole family was involved. Instead of telling their kids to go fetch the water or harvest the garden, they worked side by side getting the work done.
The same can happen in our own families…no matter how old your children are.
The kitchen is not my work
I don’t see the work in the kitchen as a million things to add to my to do list every day. I see the work in the kitchen as everyone’s work. It’s not my work. It’s not Mike’s work. It’s work that we tasks we accomplish together. In the process of doing them we form deeper relationships. We talk about things that may not have been talked about.
Not everyday is rainbows and sweet moments happening while cheery music plays in the background but in the process of getting work done together we make space for those important conversations to happen and for those silly moments of fun…both of which are vital to strong bonds.
Meet Cassie
During one of my Day in the Life sessions with Cassie I noticed that she was good at inviting her daughter to work alongside her. I asked Cassie (she blogs at [themommies.org](http://www.themommies.org)) for her tips on how she makes her tasks not just a way to get the work done but also a way to strengthen her relationships.
Tips from Cassie:
I try to include Isla in my daily activities, but sometimes it’s a challenge when I find myself in a rush or I get too caught up in perfecting the task itself. The truth is life isn’t perfect. It’s messy and the mess is what makes it so beautiful. Messy kitchens after cooking with your little ones. Messy laundry after playing outside in the rain. Messy floors after dinner and the mess goes on and on.
letting go
I’ve had to learn to let go of a lot… deep down, I like for things to be perfect. Having children has been the biggest eye opener to the true definition of perfection though. Now I know, just because I have a messy house or nothing got marked off my “to-do” list, this doesn’t define a perfect day. A perfect day is spending quality, intentional time with my family and being truly engaged in the moment.
I used to rush through my tasks with the thought of…”once I mark these off my to-do list, then I can spend time with my family.” I had to get things done first.
Now, I have a different mind-set. There will always be things we have to-do as moms. We can’t change our long “to-do” list. Of course, lunches have to be made and floors have to be swept, but if I make it a family affair these “tasks” become less like a chore and more like fun time we spent together.
Here are a couple things I try to do to include the kids and also get things done.
Make a game out of it. When I need to fold laundry, I play matching games with Isla to match all the socks. Or find the squares (wash clothes). When it’s time to pick-up we count to twenty to see who can pick up the most in twenty seconds. Making up games as we go along is fun for everyone.
Slow down and start early at meal time. The kitchen is a beautiful place for mothers to make memories with their children… and kids love to be involved in the pouring, mixing and prepping of meals. If you start early enough and don’t rush through it, there will be plenty of time for your kids to be involved.Make believe. Make up a story around your task. Isla loves Cinderella so if I need to scrub our floors or clean the bathroom, we make believe that we are princess Cinderella or some other fairytale and we share our stories with one another.
Reward them. For instance, we love to add on books for story time before bed. If Isla has good behavior and helps out with dishes, feeding Bella or cleaning up, we will add on another book at story time to her normal three books.
The most important thing is to get your children involved and make a connection with them. These little connections make sweet memories and bonds that last a lifetime.
(**Cassie, you’re amazing! Thank you for these insightful ideas!**)
If you’ve been feeling some of that mom guilt that seems to plague us as women, let it go! Embrace the idea that mom guilt is something we made up in our recent history and that women, moms, have worked to make ends meet, shore up the family economy….whatever you call it in your home…for more decades than they haven’t. You can be a mom and a business woman if that’s what you know you want and/or what you know will serve your family well.
This is the Bradbury Family
During the very early morning hours I arrived to the entire Bradbury clan just beginning to wake up on a Friday morning. I loved getting to see the sweet ways they interacted just as they began their day and to see the happy, determined energy of Isla from the moment I arrived. Cassie and Joel have a second nature rhythm to their days, passing of little ones and moving through activities, as they manage their daily work life from home. I love this little family! To see their slideshow, CLICK HERE (formatted for best viewing on a laptop or desktop) or on the photo below.
What Cassie said:
“Davina, Oh my goodness, this made me cry – a good cry – this morning. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for capturing these true sweet moments. That song selection was perfect for us too! So sweet and true. 🙂
We loved having you with us for the day and look forward to continuing to stay connected to you. Thank you!”
“Davina gave us a gift so priceless. She was able to capture real memories. A true day in our lives. Thirty years from now, when our children are grown, we will be able to look back at this season of our life and revisit an entire day with our babies. Just basking in the little things like coloring, cooking, potty training and nursing. Things that often get blurry when you’re in the trenches with two little ones. It was a different experience than any photo session we’ve ever done. It is real life being captured. No stress, no staging, just our true togetherness. She documented our day through her art and there aren’t enough thank you cards in the world to show our gratitude.”
**PS I will be in Utah super soon!! If you’d like to book your session during my visit there, get in touch right away. I have very limited open dates during the week of August 24th! Just respond to this email for more details.**
Make sure to get your copy of my free e-book. CLICK HERE!
Davina Fear is a Familyness Adventurer. She believes it adds magic to dinner time to drink chilled water out of a vintage lemonade bottle she and Mike received during their adventure in England. She also thinks that mistakes are inevitable (and helpful) and she’s getting pretty used to being ok with them.
She blogs at davinafear.com and creates photo documentaries for families who have days where they work from home, while they manage potty time and play time with sending emails to clients and projects across the globe. If you’re like the Bradbury’s, and don’t want to miss this moment…the real one…that’s happening right now, you’ll want to make your session happen. Get in touch by writing to davina@davinafear.com
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