after school…
It’s Wednesday afternoon…the beginning of our craziest night of the week.
My phone shows a text from Emmett, “I have Honors Chorale practice until 5:30pm.” I’m already in the car and Grace is in the seat next to me. She’s telling me the details of her day…from the test score she got to recess with her best friend to the student council meeting after school.
what happens everyday
Grace and I coast up to the front of the middle school in our super cool van to pick up Miriam and Emma; where they are scrambling to put their homework away that they’ve been working on. They are get in some last hugs with their friend before piling into the van. They talk back and forth telling us what happened in PE and who said what at lunch today and how they all laughed together. On the drive home all three girls are anxious to tell each other what the others missed while they were apart. As we pull into the driveway and the garage door goes up, Emma jumps out of the van before it’s even stopped. She calls to Cocoa. The door opens and Cocoa is already there, waiting, her tail wagging and her happy barks that says, “welcome home, you’ve been gone so long. I’ve done nothing but wait anxiously for your return. I missed you so much.”
As soon as the girls are settled with a snack and homework out on the deck, it’s time for me to head over the the high school to pick up Emmett. He is waiting, tall and handsome. I hardly can believe he was ever a baby. He collapses into the front seat of the van and shares that Honors Chorale is awesome and they sound amazing. All the way home we talk about his school day and what happened in classes and with friends.
when Mike gets home
A little while later Mike arrives home and Cocoa lets us all know that he’s pulling in the driveway. Mike walks in the door and at least one of the kids shouts, “Dad!” He walks in the kitchen and within minutes the kids are distracted from whatever they were doing, anxious to be near him and find out what he’s been doing today.
Our crazy night has just barely begun with promises of youth night and activity days and interviews and classes still ahead of us before we all collide again, together, at bedtime. (scroll past the pictures below to read about how to get your kids to talk to you)
how to get your kids to talk
We’ve built in connecting moments to our day in the morning, after school, at dinner, and at bedtime. Our connecting moments are our opportunity to connect with each person in our family daily. Connecting is a chance to ask questions, to wait, to listen. It’s also a time to be open to the possibilities of each person. It’s our chance to make sure each of the people in our family know that they are heard and understood.
when ground is sacred and safe
Sometimes our kids come home with lots of emotions bubbling under the surface…waiting for the chance to explode everywhere when the van door closes with them safely inside. And I’m so grateful that our van and our home are sacred, safe places for them to fall when life deals a rough hand during the day. I’m glad that they know that those crazy, mixed up, swirling feelings have a place to get declared, heard, made sense of, and worked through.
Many people have been surprised by how much our kids talk to us, how much we know what’s going on all of the time, and that we are versed in the details of their daily life. I attribute a lot of it to our connecting moments through out the day. It’s small things like this that make a big overall difference. I’m sure you have your own connecting moments through out your day!
Realizing that you already have connecting moments through out the day is the first step t0 making the most of that awesome time.
This is how we have created this connecting moment during the car ride home from school:
1) When I pick up the kids from school the radio is not on
2) I’m not on my phone when I drive up to the curb. I try not to even have it out.
3) I say, “Tell me about _________”
4) Then wait for answers. Give them time…allow them time to share.
how to avoid the common teen answer of: FINE
Number three above is a big deal. I used to always ask, “How was school today?” The answer I would typically get: “Fine.” Instead I started saying, “Tell me about your test you had.” or “Tell me about lunch with your friends today.” or “Tell me something about school today.” These questions are inviting something much deeper than, “Fine.” I hear some pretty unexpected stories when I ask about my kids’ day in this way. Sometimes, I hear their inner thoughts about a teacher, a friend, or their fears about a particular subject.
It takes time to get comfortable sharing in this way. Being patient with answers and letting your kids know that you’re really interested by waiting for their answers is a pretty big deal. Let them think back through their day. Try not to pelt them with questions when they don’t tell you details right away. I know that when someone asks me about my day I usually have to think back through the day to remember what significant events occurred. Kids need the same opportunity.
What moments through out the day have you created as connecting moments? I’d love to hear!
Davina Fear is a Familyness Adventurer. She’s addicted to pumpkin bread. She knows what Wingardium Leviosa means and wishes her kids could have gone to Hogwarts (but they would come home every night and not stay all term).
She blogs at davinafear.com and loves when Hot Guy wears his brown cords. Have you signed up her FREE book: The Art of Familyness Photography? Make sure to get it here.
By day, I photograph families. By night, I build forts the size of elephants with my family. I live in a yellow house. I believe real life is the best getaway ever.
Comment
I like your questions. Sometimes I ask my youngest “what was the noisiest thing that happened at school today?” Or I might ask about the funniest, easiest or most annoying thing.